A man visits the doctor.
The doctor says -"I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease".
The man replies -"Well,thank God I don't have cancer!"
Ha! This is what I call dark humour. Funny element of this joke is that we don't expect the poor patient to forget so quickly that he has this other disease, named by that old German that steals things from our house... Ngheee, ngheee, funny!
Sep 26, 2007
Sep 17, 2007
Father and Son Vampires
Father and son vampires fly over the village. Father says:
"We will land in this village and suck blood from a few people, then we will go to a next village, and again suck a few people, and then to a third village..."
Son asks:
"But daddy, why don't we land in this village and suck blood from all the people at once?"
Father smiles knowingly:
"Son, we are VAMPIRES, not BANKERS."
Nghe, nghe, got it? What this joke subtly implies is that vampires are better then people working in banks. This is a nice one if you're tired of lawyer jokes...
"We will land in this village and suck blood from a few people, then we will go to a next village, and again suck a few people, and then to a third village..."
Son asks:
"But daddy, why don't we land in this village and suck blood from all the people at once?"
Father smiles knowingly:
"Son, we are VAMPIRES, not BANKERS."
Nghe, nghe, got it? What this joke subtly implies is that vampires are better then people working in banks. This is a nice one if you're tired of lawyer jokes...
Sep 14, 2007
Negative Numbers
On a math class in a police school they are learning about negative numbers. One student policeman is having trouble: - "Teacher, I get it that zero is when there is nothing there, and how can something be smaller then that?"
So the teacher smiles knowingly: - "Don't worry Joe, I will explain it to you through a very simple example. Now, imagine there's seven people on the bus. Nine people exit on the next station. How many people have to enter in order for the bus to be empty?
This is an old joke, but some people are still having trouble understanding it. Once explained, it appears to be very funny. You see, the counterpoint in this joke is that the teacher is presumed to be all-knowing and competent, yet he gives unrealistic example: If there are 7 people on the bus, there is no way that 9 people could exit, because then there would be -2 passengers left in the bus, which is impossible. At least I think so. So I think I understood this one. It's about negative numbers, and they are impossible and don't exist. Ha! Funny!
So the teacher smiles knowingly: - "Don't worry Joe, I will explain it to you through a very simple example. Now, imagine there's seven people on the bus. Nine people exit on the next station. How many people have to enter in order for the bus to be empty?
This is an old joke, but some people are still having trouble understanding it. Once explained, it appears to be very funny. You see, the counterpoint in this joke is that the teacher is presumed to be all-knowing and competent, yet he gives unrealistic example: If there are 7 people on the bus, there is no way that 9 people could exit, because then there would be -2 passengers left in the bus, which is impossible. At least I think so. So I think I understood this one. It's about negative numbers, and they are impossible and don't exist. Ha! Funny!
Sep 12, 2007
Dude goes fishing
This dude wakes up early in the morning, kicks his wife with an elbow and says:
"C'mon prepare my backpack, I'm going fishing."
Wife gets up and prepares the backpack. He goes out and tries to start his car for an hour, without success.
Frozen, he gets back in the house and climbs into bed, his wife still in there.
Wife: "Cold outside?"
Dude: "Fu*king freezing."
Wife: "And that idiot of mine went fishing."
Hahaha! Did you get this one? In this joke, woman thinks that it is her lover who climbed in bed, as he probably often does! So she blew her cover! So funny!
"C'mon prepare my backpack, I'm going fishing."
Wife gets up and prepares the backpack. He goes out and tries to start his car for an hour, without success.
Frozen, he gets back in the house and climbs into bed, his wife still in there.
Wife: "Cold outside?"
Dude: "Fu*king freezing."
Wife: "And that idiot of mine went fishing."
Hahaha! Did you get this one? In this joke, woman thinks that it is her lover who climbed in bed, as he probably often does! So she blew her cover! So funny!
Sep 10, 2007
Drunk Crawler
This drunk has been at a pub all night. After the last round call, he tries to stay up to leave and falls flat on his face. Tries to stand one more time, same thing happens.
He figures he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stays up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the three blocks to his house.
When he arrives at the door he stays up and again falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself up, but he quickly falls into bed and is sound asleep as his head hit the pillow.
He is awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
Now, this joke killed me. The drunk did not crawl around just because he was drunk! So funny! Ha ha nghe ngheh!
He figures he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stays up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the three blocks to his house.
When he arrives at the door he stays up and again falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself up, but he quickly falls into bed and is sound asleep as his head hit the pillow.
He is awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
Now, this joke killed me. The drunk did not crawl around just because he was drunk! So funny! Ha ha nghe ngheh!
Sep 4, 2007
The Pearly Gate Joke
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. It had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one:
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies:
"Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I rush into my 25th floor apartment, I can tell something is wrong, I search all the rooms but no sign of the other guy. Finally, I go out to the balcony, and sure enough, there is the bastard hanging off the railing! By now I am really mad, so I start beating on his fingers, but he doesn't let go. I get the hammer from the floor and start pounding on his fingers. Of course, he lets go and falls -- but even after 25 stories, he hits the tree and some bushes, stunned but still moving. I run into the kitchen, grab the fridge and threw it over the edge where it lands on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning it was raining and the floor was wet so I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony two floors below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he started pounding on my hands with a hammer. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking how lucky I am, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "There I am, sitting in a refrigerator, naked..."
Did you get it? He was naked in a fridge all the time! The guy from the balcony was innocent. Got it? Couldn't you just die laughing!
Now, a serious comment. Alegedly the Pearly Gate Joke was developed in the early 14th century during the papacy of Leo the 10th, developed to try to make the monks laugh uncontrollably and therefore break their vow of silence. So this is an older one, imagine that.
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies:
"Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I rush into my 25th floor apartment, I can tell something is wrong, I search all the rooms but no sign of the other guy. Finally, I go out to the balcony, and sure enough, there is the bastard hanging off the railing! By now I am really mad, so I start beating on his fingers, but he doesn't let go. I get the hammer from the floor and start pounding on his fingers. Of course, he lets go and falls -- but even after 25 stories, he hits the tree and some bushes, stunned but still moving. I run into the kitchen, grab the fridge and threw it over the edge where it lands on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning it was raining and the floor was wet so I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony two floors below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he started pounding on my hands with a hammer. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking how lucky I am, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "There I am, sitting in a refrigerator, naked..."
Did you get it? He was naked in a fridge all the time! The guy from the balcony was innocent. Got it? Couldn't you just die laughing!
Now, a serious comment. Alegedly the Pearly Gate Joke was developed in the early 14th century during the papacy of Leo the 10th, developed to try to make the monks laugh uncontrollably and therefore break their vow of silence. So this is an older one, imagine that.
Cannibal
Cannibal in tears sitting in the gutter next to a large pile of poo.
"What's up?" asks a passerby.
"I just dumped my girlfriend!"
This joke is a game of words, you see, he just dumped something, and out of the context of himself, it is his girlfriend. Fantastic joke! Did you get it?
"What's up?" asks a passerby.
"I just dumped my girlfriend!"
This joke is a game of words, you see, he just dumped something, and out of the context of himself, it is his girlfriend. Fantastic joke! Did you get it?
Sep 3, 2007
Has anybody seen a cock?
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens, which he kept in a coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before Mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cockfights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During Mass, he asked his congregation:
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really, really mean is: has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Aargh, so, you get it? The joke is about thet he was talking about his cock as a chicken's husband, and they understood... aaaaahaha, this one is good. Did you get it?
He knew about the cockfights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During Mass, he asked his congregation:
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really, really mean is: has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Aargh, so, you get it? The joke is about thet he was talking about his cock as a chicken's husband, and they understood... aaaaahaha, this one is good. Did you get it?
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